there comes a point in each person's life when she/he realizes that the only person they can count on is themselves. for me, this time is now.

meditation was difficult today. i tried to focus on energy for the duration of my sitting. drawing in the positive, reaffirming enery. feeling it flow through my veins. pushing out the negativity, the fatigue, the melancholy. and it has helped. i do feel more upbeat and energized. however, during my sitting, i became easily distracted. a slamming door. the sound of a train rushing by. an itch somewhere on my body. distractions seemed to be everywhere. and every time i did feel energized by my breathing it seemed as if i immeditaely began to list out in my head all of the things i should be doing with my energy. yes, there are things that i need to get done. but above and beyond all of this is getting beyond the doing. i think that's my task for the next few weeks. i feel like i've been stuck on a cycle of work, sleep, exercise. do this. do that. and it is still important that i got some things done, however, i need to think beyond that. it is hard to live a life of purpose if i cannot simply live each day at a time with purpose. today my purpose is to harness the positive energy i feel and maintain it throughout the day. my energy is within me and should not be easily diminished by exterior superficialities. this is not to say that i am apart from the world. rather, i am of the world. if i feel my positive energy flow and i maintain this in n my interactions with the world, then the energy will radiate. others will feel it and draw positive energy into their lives. the branches on the trees will feel it and begin to flow with a new sense of purpose. the wind will not be blowing them. they will be blowing along with the energy that the wind brings them. they will create the energy and force needed to move freely. and that is how i must begin to feel. life will not be the force that moves me, a series of mundane actions that carries me from day to day, i will move life. i will make a conscious effort every day to breathe energy and positivity into my life. to create the flow that keeps me moving on this journey. namaste.

i've been shopping. a lot. but after i fit into that first size 16 jeans, i became slightly addicted to the feeling i got when i looked at myself in the mirror. it was a funny joy. like for the first time i was really, truly happy about the way i looked. i think the shopping will subside for a minute because i plan on shedding some more pounds. i'm feeling really motivated right now.

though i have been shopping a bit much, i have also been working on tightening up my finances. with all of the extra hours i've been working, i should be caught up and maybe, just maybe- might even get ahead.

i think self improvement comes in layers. i am on the path to being happy with how i look, how my place looks and the way my finances are going. but there's more. i still don't really feel whole. i really need to stick strong to my meditation practice and also make sure that i keep writing. in addition, i think that (after long resisting the idea), i am going to start seeing a therapist. but i'm in search of something a little more alternative with a spiritual edge to it. i need holistic self improvement.

as i'm sitting here on the patio, listening to some soothing music and enjoying the crisp fall breeze, i'm feeling a momentary calm. i know that the path to wholeness and being truly, fully, wholey(is that a word?), happy will be a long one, but it is one that i feel equipped to embark upon.

i hate it because sometimes i miss him. A LOT. i definitely know that i am better off without him, it wasn't meant to be, i'll find somebody who really loves me.... all that shit. i know it. but sometimes i still feel that little pain in my heart.like today, when i was watching vh1 soul, a bobby brown video came on. bb doesn't usually make me sad, but when i heard it, it reminded me of the night that we all went out and did karoke and he sang bobby. that was one of the funnest nights. as much as he might have played me, nights like that were real. and the nights where we went to the lake at 3am and fed the ducks. and nights when we stayed up all night cooking and listening to old soul music. that was all real. and the pain still is too.

"The mobilization of the masses, when it arises out of the war of liberation, introduces into each man's consciousness the ideas of a common cause, of a national destiny, and of a collective history."- Frantz Fanon

I agree with much of what Fanon has to say, however, I wonder if his exculsion of women in this statement is deliberate. The quote is a heading from a chapter in Revolutionary Suicide by Huey P. Newton. And makes me think about how much of the mainstream literature on revolution or revolutionaries includes, as part of its definition, men only and is generally typified by so-called masculine traits. Is it not possible for women to start a revolution? Can feminine qualities not be the grounds for a revolution? Perhaps that is exactly what we need, a revolution of values where hope, love and compassion are the tools for empowerment instead of anger and violence. Just a thought....

P.S.- This is in no way meant to diminish the importance of the work of Fanon, Newton or The Black Panther Party in general. I have much respect for the work that they have done. Also, I think that would welcome critical analysis of their work.

this is just a quick note to let my friends know that if i seem distant, it is not because i love you any less. i've had a lot on my mind and i've been trying to take care of business. i've been working hard to be the best heather i can possibly be and i'm gonna be on this grind for a while. i'm enjoying my time by myself and need time to reflect and do me. and it's partially because of my amazing friends that i've been able to get to this much needed point. love you :)

so in this week that i have been off work, i've done a lot of thinking. i haven't necessarily come to too many conclusions, but i'm ok with that. and i think that in and of itself is a sign of growth. i have to say that, though i have always known it, lately i have gotten a renewed sense of being in love with myself, lol. on a serious tip, i've been reminded that i do have a lot to offer the world (and any individual that i interact with) and i should not sell myself short by being with someone who does not appreciate all the wonder that is heatherette. in thinking about things, i have realized that by selling myself short, i am also selling the world short. i have a lot of passion and potential. i am not on this earth to do small things. when i am with someone who does not appreciate and respect that,then i am denying the world the gift of me. and i can't continue to do that. this applies not only to romantic relationships, but also to friendships and (unfortuantely) family members.

in addition, i have also realized that as much as i do love myself, i am a person who craves companionship. and that's ok. it is human and natural to want to love and be loved. and i need to stop making myself feel guilty for wanting that. the universe will bring me to the person who is meant to be my companion, the ying to my yang, the force when we're together. the person who loves, appreciates and respects me as much as i do.

so here i go with the blog again. it's been a long minute since i have written, but i think now is the perfect time to get back to it. just moved into the new place a few days ago and i am loving it. it's coming togethere nicely. it will be a while before it's exactly how i want it to be, but the energy from it is already making me feel so good. it is already beginning to feel like home. much more than the other place already did. noot sure if it's the coming of fall (my absolute favorite season) or the new place, or a combination of the two, but i feel such positive energy in the air. really loving life right now. here's hopin' i can keep up with the blog this time around...

I can feel a shift in my energy and I really, really like it.

there will be no more waxing poetic about this.

i really think i can make this work. i really, really hope that i can. but i'm gonna need your help.

i just turned in my last two papers for the social justice program. it is absolutely crazy to me that this is already over. i am so sad. and happy. and scared. i have no idea where my life is going or what i will be doing next and that scares me shitless.

ok, on another note, today is the day where i start my transformation. i am officially done drinking pop and eating junk food (excessive amounts anyways, we all know i would probably perish if i could never again consume ice cream). i am commiting to exercise at least five days a week. i am going to work on me. but not only just the outside. i am going to make a conscious effort to meditate more often and work on renewing my soul. i am going to focus on me and what i want to do with my life, how i want to live. though i am feeling good about it, i know it's going to take time and some support. so here's where you come in, i'm gonna need my friend :)

thanks. you made my day :)

Standing outside your car. The stars. The music. There was something in the air (or maybe just my heart). I wanted nothing more than to kiss you.

so definitely did not get up early today, slept till 1030. probably not going to get much done. rest is needed though. excited for my weekend off. dia. mexican food. movie date. it's cold.not getting out of the blankets. thinking up haikus in my head.

i do not know why i do this to myself... blaaah.

i am so tired from working that mandate last night. hoping i can get up early enough to get some shit done before work. goals for tomorrow: return sweater to the gap, return shirt to target, western union to lynette.

going to bed with a lot on my mind. still feeling good though. good night.

so the vacation is over. kinda sad. it's been really good. it kinda sucks i have to go back to work, but i am feeling much more refreshed. let's see how long it lasts...

another really good day. went grocery shopping with my favorite grocery shopping buddy. cleaned the house a bit. spent most of the evening with jessica. i really like her, she's good people. we went and got inked up and had dinner at logan's. it was fun. i thihk i need more people like her to chill with... anyways, i'm pretty happy with the way my tattoo turned out. time to read some of my book and go to sleep feeling very content. again.

this is scary. the end.

so i used to take a lot of pictures. haven't in while and i miss it. i decided i am going to try to start taking pictures every day. i'll try to post them on here on a regular basis. to start, here's a picture of the orchid i bought at eastern market yesterday as well as a really cool dumpster painting...

I could do that again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again...

what a beautiful day. went to eastern market with nicole.got some good fruits and veggies and a beautiful orchid. people who think that detroit is wack need to go there. i love the crowds. the diversity. the lesbian couple holding hands without shame. the little kids with mohawaks. the 60 year old jewish man befriending the 25 year old black woman.a place where i'm not the only white chick with dreads. organic, locally grown produce. people who actually give a shit. love it.

since then it started to rain. laid in bed and read a whole book in its entirety. ate some pb&j. listening to super relaxing music right now and contemplating a nap. just because i can.

tonight should be good. we'll see how this pre-planned sex works out though. i am thinking (hoping upon hope) that it will go half as well as it goes when i fantasize about. hmm, perhaps this is a little much for a public blog entry. and on that note...

i am enjoying the hell outta this vacation. i really needed this. i am so happy. i love that i've been able to spend time with so many of the people i care about the most. my soul feels good.

so i have been sitting here for a couple hours at cafe 1923 in hamtramck. i have gotten more done on this paper in 2 hours here than i did at home all day yesterday. there is something about the suburbs that just seems to rob my soul of its freedom. when i am here (or in the city) i feel so much more free to just be me. there are not constant reminders of the homogenity of the world, there seems to be a uniqueness about the air here that cannot be replicated in canton or livonia or northville. maybe it's the kowalski factory or the polish bakeries or the cheap clothing boutiques with knock-off sean john and roca wear that line the street. but mainly i think the uniqueness in the air here is just life. life doesn't feel like this when surrounded by uniformity and conformity. it can't. i can breathe here. and the abandon houses that appear on every block may just hold the room that my soul needs in order to be.

ok. i don't know if it's the sunshine or these awesome banana nut muffins i just made or the common sense comin out of my speakers. or maybe it was just sleep. but something changed over night. or so it seems. i feel 10,000 times better than i did yesterday. some crazy stuff hs gone down in the past few days, but it's nothing i can't handle. i am a strong ass woman and i refuse to allow other people to define my life or the way i feel about it. starting today i am giving myself a makeover, but just like in clueless, i am going to make over my soul. (hey, clueless had its deep moments too). i am going to start living for me. i will be happy. i will get back in touch with myself and who i am at the core. and who i am is a damn good person. if people fail to realize that then all well, their loss. life throws some crazy things at you sometimes, but i've taken it upon myself to be bigger than those things. so i am calling upon myself for a revolution of values, to get back to the real me and what really matters to my soul. this revolution will not be televised. but it will be posted on my blog... enjoy the sunshine today everybody :)

(2/2) o is cry

(1/2) Why am I falling apart inside? For a brief period today I thought I was going to be ok with everything. But I am lying here in the bed and all I want to d

i really hope i can do this.

erykah badu just might save my life. this cd is perhaps the greatest music i have heard in a long time. she is really helping me to take the journey to that new time and place. in my mind anyways. for as long as the 11 tracks last.

"my tale is a simple one. it starts off like all the rest... there once was a beautiful prisoner, i mean princess. she longed for a brave knight, a gentleman. one with courage and honor and decency. but in a cruel world such as this, men like these were scarce indeed. she had a lot more than most, this princess. she had hope. the ability to see things the way she dreamed them. she could envision the exact moment she would be delivered from her____(fill in the blank). she set out like the alchemist to go and meet her destiny, but got bored, and decided to plant a garden along the way. it was an amazing garden... purble and black and white and golden. there was one particular tall pink flower that stuck out in the weeds of this garden. she noticed it there, but didn't realize how much taller and bigger than everything else it had become. it was beautiful and mysterious in it's freedom, but everythign growing around it seemed to be struggling to survive. it was as if that flower was drinking up all the water; sucking up all the sun. it was allowing nothing else to grow. i even think she (the flower) was unaware of her surroundings in her attempt to merely survive. and if she could indeed think, i doubt she would wish harm on anything or anyone or even know what harm was. she probably knew even nothing of her own fate. i imagine that she, like many things in nature, was just living for her own purpose and knew nothing of severity nor humility. the princess named her impatient and passed her off as another beautiful thing that grew up out of some careful, dedicated hard laborious act of her own careful planning. but in fact, it was just the opposite. impatience had grown tall as a result of... well, simply out of neglect and poor management. she (the princess) had no control. the end."

fuck. i just went to run away. from people. from life. i wish i could just be magically transportated to another time and place. to a moment where i am happy and things are simpler. because i can't take all of this complication. not here. not now.

wow. why did you call and tell me all of this? damn, shit is fucked up! my mind is so crazy right now. this shit is nuts!

wow. that shit fucked me up. it was REALLY good, but it fucked me up. i don't know what to think about anything anymore....

so i'm sitting here in class and i'm thinking a lot. about a lot of things. i always leave class feeling really inspired and motivated to do big things and to make changes in life. this is the last class. and i don't know where things will go from here. my future is so uncertain. but i think i'm kind of alright with it. i'm confident with myself and i know that no matter where i go or what i do, i will be ok. i know that this work vacation is coming just in time. i need this time to get my life in order. renew myself. just be.

so how long is this going to last? and yes, i am talking to you.

so i spoke to him yesterday and he gave me what seemed like a legitimate excuse. i guess i am once again over it and we made plans to get together friday night after class. however, it just makes me think. maybe i need to re-examine my priorities. i have so much going on for myself and i was going to let a guy (one i've known for less than a year) get me down. that's why love sucks. and maybe that's why this stuff over the past week has happened, to wake my ass up and realize what's really important.

on a side note, j.p. gave me an extension on my human rights analysis paper. that's taking a little stress outta this week. now i am just focused on getting my presentation ready for the symposium on friday. and actually, i think it's coming together quite nicely. especially considering the fact that i have not actually written a paper. i guess we'll see.

so this sucks. i really thought that i had something good with him. i'm really, really gonna miss chillin with him. i don't know what the hell happened. maybe he is slepeing with somebody else. maybe it got too serious and he freaked. who knows. whatever it is, i guess it doesn't matter. no matter what it is, he's obviously not comin back. i'm pretty upset about it, i feel like crying a lot. but i am not going to let this fuck me up. i need to take advantage of this time to really concentrate on myself. as hard as that might be for me, it's what i really need to do.

this week is crazy busy with homework and stuff, but starting next week some major changes are gonna happen. i hope.

i am so sick of this shit. i fucking quit.

i keep hoping that i'm just going to wake up one morning and this weird funk that i have been in will just suddenly vanish. unfortunately i don't think that's how it works. i feel like i'm gradually feeling better. and it's so weird because i still have no idea what is wrong with me. i think sometimes i'm not really living, but just going through the motions of life. sleep, eat, work, repeat. there is more to life than this bullshit. i need this vacation more than i thought i would.

on a somewhat related note, i have no idea how i am going to get all of this stuff done in the next week or so. especially if i continue to sleep like i have been.

guess it's time to get back to my studies. at least it's a little better with some green tea in my mug and regina spektor playing in my headphones.

so i still have yet to hear from him. wtf? maybe this is a sign....

paying off that EMU bill on thursday is sounding like a better idea every day. i guess i need to just get the hell outta here.

you didn't like my attitude? wtf is that supposed to mean?

don't know what it is, but i just can't seem to shake this funk i've been going through. not even sure what it is. my moods have been all over the place (although most of the time i would say they fall into the sad, upset, uneasy categories) and i have been sleeping for obscene amounts of time. i feel like i could just stay in bed for weeks. maybe i'm overwhelmed by everything that's going on. i mean, i'm about to graduate and i still don't really know what's next in life. and this guy. i don't know what's going on with him. i mean i really, really like him. i think i can almost say love. almost. i feel like i found something special with him. but i'm scared shitless. i did not want to get all wrapped up in someone again. this wasn't part of the plan. he's making me rethinkink all of my plans. but the thing is that, if asked, i don't think he would be willing to change his plans for me. blaah...and who knows what's going on after all of this b.s. last night. i dunno. i gotta get myself out of this. for the past couple of days i set my alarm for 7 and have stayed in bed till 10. that's a problem. i don't have time for all of this.

had a really great night last night. he makes me really happy. felt so at peace falling asleep in his arms. and had some really great morning sex, lol. he's amazing.

had a not so good day today. wrecked my car. things are stressful, but i guess they could be much worse. i have insurance and good people to help me out, even if it's just listening.

and now i am going to spend my unexpected night off work reading in bed. relaxing. thinking. maybe more writing.

it's kind of scary. i really like him. he's been over the past 2 nights and it's been so great. not just because the sex is amazing (which, btw, it is), but because i just truly enjoy being around him. when we're cuddled up on the couch watching movies and he's got his arms wrapped around me, it's hard to stop smiling. and waking up in his arms, for me right now, it doesn't get much better. but this shit is scary. i didn't want to fall for somebody again. this was so not in my plans.

it's sort of funny how sometimes i hear the most motivating words from the most unsuspecting people at the times i need it most.

worked 16 hours yesterday. i am a bit exhausted today, but surprisingly got up at a somewhat decent hour, 9a.m. that's probably mostly because bella wouldn't let me sleep any later...

i got an e-mail from jane about the kibera women's loan project i'm working on. they are all so excited about it. in the minutes from their meeting they talk about how they have not been able to take loans from microloan organizations because they have not afford to pay the minimal interest on the loans. the loan we will offer them will be interest free. one woman described our project as "God's answer to her prayers." though i think God has little to do with it, i understand what she was saying. i feel so honored to be able to be a part of something that is going to do so much for these women and their families. her words, and knowing the hope and possibility that will come out of this, is going to be my inspiration to keep going.

part of my problem as of late has been that my focus and priorities in life have been so out of wack. in less than a year i will be applying to doctoral programs. i need to do it! i need to be on my grind and makin my c.v. irrestible. berkeley is gonna be begging me to go there. so i guess in the corny spirit of the new year ima say that 2010 will be the year of heather. it's time for my personal revolution. and by the way, that revolution will not be televised.

so much for getting things done this morning. slept till about 8:30 and for some reason i agreed to go in to work at 10. all well, gotta save up some money too. guess ima try to get up early tomorrow. hopefully today will be a good day at work.

it's a new year. nothing has changed since yesterday. i do, however, feel a new sense of resolve and motivation to do the things i want and need to do in life. this is pretty much thanks to a lunch time conversation with my favorite person yesterday. i believe noodles cure all.

secretly, i am over it. but sometimes it's nice to make people suffer. is that immature? i know intentionally causing suffering to other beings is all anti-buddha, but maybe i'm just tryin to introduce a little karma? maybe? also, causing this person suffering is not the only reason i have chosen to continue with my silent treatment. there have been so many situations where i thought i was over something quickly and it turns out i wasn't. i kinda like this person and would really like to continue having a friendship with them so i feel it would be best for me to wait and be 100% certain that i am ready to handle our friendship, given the new circumstances.

it's 11 p.m. and i am about to go to bed in the hopes that i can get up by 8 or 9 in order to get some studying done before work tomorrow. wish me luck.

oh, and happy new year. or something like that.