(2/2) o is cry

(1/2) Why am I falling apart inside? For a brief period today I thought I was going to be ok with everything. But I am lying here in the bed and all I want to d

i really hope i can do this.

erykah badu just might save my life. this cd is perhaps the greatest music i have heard in a long time. she is really helping me to take the journey to that new time and place. in my mind anyways. for as long as the 11 tracks last.

"my tale is a simple one. it starts off like all the rest... there once was a beautiful prisoner, i mean princess. she longed for a brave knight, a gentleman. one with courage and honor and decency. but in a cruel world such as this, men like these were scarce indeed. she had a lot more than most, this princess. she had hope. the ability to see things the way she dreamed them. she could envision the exact moment she would be delivered from her____(fill in the blank). she set out like the alchemist to go and meet her destiny, but got bored, and decided to plant a garden along the way. it was an amazing garden... purble and black and white and golden. there was one particular tall pink flower that stuck out in the weeds of this garden. she noticed it there, but didn't realize how much taller and bigger than everything else it had become. it was beautiful and mysterious in it's freedom, but everythign growing around it seemed to be struggling to survive. it was as if that flower was drinking up all the water; sucking up all the sun. it was allowing nothing else to grow. i even think she (the flower) was unaware of her surroundings in her attempt to merely survive. and if she could indeed think, i doubt she would wish harm on anything or anyone or even know what harm was. she probably knew even nothing of her own fate. i imagine that she, like many things in nature, was just living for her own purpose and knew nothing of severity nor humility. the princess named her impatient and passed her off as another beautiful thing that grew up out of some careful, dedicated hard laborious act of her own careful planning. but in fact, it was just the opposite. impatience had grown tall as a result of... well, simply out of neglect and poor management. she (the princess) had no control. the end."

fuck. i just went to run away. from people. from life. i wish i could just be magically transportated to another time and place. to a moment where i am happy and things are simpler. because i can't take all of this complication. not here. not now.

wow. why did you call and tell me all of this? damn, shit is fucked up! my mind is so crazy right now. this shit is nuts!

wow. that shit fucked me up. it was REALLY good, but it fucked me up. i don't know what to think about anything anymore....

so i'm sitting here in class and i'm thinking a lot. about a lot of things. i always leave class feeling really inspired and motivated to do big things and to make changes in life. this is the last class. and i don't know where things will go from here. my future is so uncertain. but i think i'm kind of alright with it. i'm confident with myself and i know that no matter where i go or what i do, i will be ok. i know that this work vacation is coming just in time. i need this time to get my life in order. renew myself. just be.

so how long is this going to last? and yes, i am talking to you.

so i spoke to him yesterday and he gave me what seemed like a legitimate excuse. i guess i am once again over it and we made plans to get together friday night after class. however, it just makes me think. maybe i need to re-examine my priorities. i have so much going on for myself and i was going to let a guy (one i've known for less than a year) get me down. that's why love sucks. and maybe that's why this stuff over the past week has happened, to wake my ass up and realize what's really important.

on a side note, j.p. gave me an extension on my human rights analysis paper. that's taking a little stress outta this week. now i am just focused on getting my presentation ready for the symposium on friday. and actually, i think it's coming together quite nicely. especially considering the fact that i have not actually written a paper. i guess we'll see.

so this sucks. i really thought that i had something good with him. i'm really, really gonna miss chillin with him. i don't know what the hell happened. maybe he is slepeing with somebody else. maybe it got too serious and he freaked. who knows. whatever it is, i guess it doesn't matter. no matter what it is, he's obviously not comin back. i'm pretty upset about it, i feel like crying a lot. but i am not going to let this fuck me up. i need to take advantage of this time to really concentrate on myself. as hard as that might be for me, it's what i really need to do.

this week is crazy busy with homework and stuff, but starting next week some major changes are gonna happen. i hope.

i am so sick of this shit. i fucking quit.

i keep hoping that i'm just going to wake up one morning and this weird funk that i have been in will just suddenly vanish. unfortunately i don't think that's how it works. i feel like i'm gradually feeling better. and it's so weird because i still have no idea what is wrong with me. i think sometimes i'm not really living, but just going through the motions of life. sleep, eat, work, repeat. there is more to life than this bullshit. i need this vacation more than i thought i would.

on a somewhat related note, i have no idea how i am going to get all of this stuff done in the next week or so. especially if i continue to sleep like i have been.

guess it's time to get back to my studies. at least it's a little better with some green tea in my mug and regina spektor playing in my headphones.

so i still have yet to hear from him. wtf? maybe this is a sign....

paying off that EMU bill on thursday is sounding like a better idea every day. i guess i need to just get the hell outta here.

you didn't like my attitude? wtf is that supposed to mean?

don't know what it is, but i just can't seem to shake this funk i've been going through. not even sure what it is. my moods have been all over the place (although most of the time i would say they fall into the sad, upset, uneasy categories) and i have been sleeping for obscene amounts of time. i feel like i could just stay in bed for weeks. maybe i'm overwhelmed by everything that's going on. i mean, i'm about to graduate and i still don't really know what's next in life. and this guy. i don't know what's going on with him. i mean i really, really like him. i think i can almost say love. almost. i feel like i found something special with him. but i'm scared shitless. i did not want to get all wrapped up in someone again. this wasn't part of the plan. he's making me rethinkink all of my plans. but the thing is that, if asked, i don't think he would be willing to change his plans for me. blaah...and who knows what's going on after all of this b.s. last night. i dunno. i gotta get myself out of this. for the past couple of days i set my alarm for 7 and have stayed in bed till 10. that's a problem. i don't have time for all of this.