meditation was difficult today. i tried to focus on energy for the duration of my sitting. drawing in the positive, reaffirming enery. feeling it flow through my veins. pushing out the negativity, the fatigue, the melancholy. and it has helped. i do feel more upbeat and energized. however, during my sitting, i became easily distracted. a slamming door. the sound of a train rushing by. an itch somewhere on my body. distractions seemed to be everywhere. and every time i did feel energized by my breathing it seemed as if i immeditaely began to list out in my head all of the things i should be doing with my energy. yes, there are things that i need to get done. but above and beyond all of this is getting beyond the doing. i think that's my task for the next few weeks. i feel like i've been stuck on a cycle of work, sleep, exercise. do this. do that. and it is still important that i got some things done, however, i need to think beyond that. it is hard to live a life of purpose if i cannot simply live each day at a time with purpose. today my purpose is to harness the positive energy i feel and maintain it throughout the day. my energy is within me and should not be easily diminished by exterior superficialities. this is not to say that i am apart from the world. rather, i am of the world. if i feel my positive energy flow and i maintain this in n my interactions with the world, then the energy will radiate. others will feel it and draw positive energy into their lives. the branches on the trees will feel it and begin to flow with a new sense of purpose. the wind will not be blowing them. they will be blowing along with the energy that the wind brings them. they will create the energy and force needed to move freely. and that is how i must begin to feel. life will not be the force that moves me, a series of mundane actions that carries me from day to day, i will move life. i will make a conscious effort every day to breathe energy and positivity into my life. to create the flow that keeps me moving on this journey. namaste.

i've been shopping. a lot. but after i fit into that first size 16 jeans, i became slightly addicted to the feeling i got when i looked at myself in the mirror. it was a funny joy. like for the first time i was really, truly happy about the way i looked. i think the shopping will subside for a minute because i plan on shedding some more pounds. i'm feeling really motivated right now.

though i have been shopping a bit much, i have also been working on tightening up my finances. with all of the extra hours i've been working, i should be caught up and maybe, just maybe- might even get ahead.

i think self improvement comes in layers. i am on the path to being happy with how i look, how my place looks and the way my finances are going. but there's more. i still don't really feel whole. i really need to stick strong to my meditation practice and also make sure that i keep writing. in addition, i think that (after long resisting the idea), i am going to start seeing a therapist. but i'm in search of something a little more alternative with a spiritual edge to it. i need holistic self improvement.

as i'm sitting here on the patio, listening to some soothing music and enjoying the crisp fall breeze, i'm feeling a momentary calm. i know that the path to wholeness and being truly, fully, wholey(is that a word?), happy will be a long one, but it is one that i feel equipped to embark upon.