about to give up if things don't change soon. that is all.

feelin ' some kinda way...

not sure why, but i seem to go through these stages when i'm just really feelin' some kinda way. i just feel sorta down and bummed out. i'm bummed out about not going to silver lake this weekend. i'm not sure what to do about this dude situation. i try to be patient, but sometimes... i dunno, i just can't afford to get my heart broken again. i'd almost rather cut shit off before that's even possible. i'm worn out from working so much and as a result i haven't been working out or studying. which makes me feel shitty about life. i just feel real disconnected from everybody and everything right now. and it sucks.

remembering blair

i remember the fateful day i walked into the back room of the coffee shop and was greeted by the most beautiful soul i had ever met. blair. there are not enough words to say what this man meant to me. though i didn't have the opportunity to know him as well as i would have liked, the times i did spend with him touched my soul. he had this incredibly unique gift to make everybody he met feel special, to feel part of the community. whether you had just met blair or known him for years, he made you feel like you were a part of his family. he taught me that i could write and that no matter how horrible i thought it was, as long as it was true and honest, then it was a work of art. i truly feel that having known blair has made me a better person. everything about him will continue to live on in detroit. in the world. in every person that has ever had the honor of knowing him. in my heart. your body may be gone, but your presence will never die. as you find peace, know that we too will find peace in your memory. love ya, blair.

it's not there yet, but i think it will be. i like this feeling. a lot.

the universe can always wait on awesome

it dawned on me the other day that it is foolish of me to think that i can keep doing the same things and expect different results than i've had before. in the past,as most of you know, i have found myself rushing into romantic relationships only to find that in the end all it gets me is an empty pint of ice cream, overplayed alicia keys albums, and piles of used up tissue. point blank: the shit doesn't work.

and so this brings me to my next point...over the past couple of months the universe has graced me with the presence of this absolutely awesome dude. he's probably the sweetest, most genuine guy i've ever met. that damn kool-aid smile just won't go away when he's around. i think i've been kinda impatient with him, tryin to scoot things along far too quickly. that's done. i refuse to rush things. like a good wine, the best things in life always take time. things will get where they are supposed to be when they are supposed to get there. in the meantime, i will enjoy every second of the kool-aid smile inducing time that i get to spend with him. without worrying about when i can change my facebook relationship status. awesome doesn't need labels. and besides, the universe can always wait on awesome...

there comes a point in each person's life when she/he realizes that the only person they can count on is themselves. for me, this time is now.

meditation was difficult today. i tried to focus on energy for the duration of my sitting. drawing in the positive, reaffirming enery. feeling it flow through my veins. pushing out the negativity, the fatigue, the melancholy. and it has helped. i do feel more upbeat and energized. however, during my sitting, i became easily distracted. a slamming door. the sound of a train rushing by. an itch somewhere on my body. distractions seemed to be everywhere. and every time i did feel energized by my breathing it seemed as if i immeditaely began to list out in my head all of the things i should be doing with my energy. yes, there are things that i need to get done. but above and beyond all of this is getting beyond the doing. i think that's my task for the next few weeks. i feel like i've been stuck on a cycle of work, sleep, exercise. do this. do that. and it is still important that i got some things done, however, i need to think beyond that. it is hard to live a life of purpose if i cannot simply live each day at a time with purpose. today my purpose is to harness the positive energy i feel and maintain it throughout the day. my energy is within me and should not be easily diminished by exterior superficialities. this is not to say that i am apart from the world. rather, i am of the world. if i feel my positive energy flow and i maintain this in n my interactions with the world, then the energy will radiate. others will feel it and draw positive energy into their lives. the branches on the trees will feel it and begin to flow with a new sense of purpose. the wind will not be blowing them. they will be blowing along with the energy that the wind brings them. they will create the energy and force needed to move freely. and that is how i must begin to feel. life will not be the force that moves me, a series of mundane actions that carries me from day to day, i will move life. i will make a conscious effort every day to breathe energy and positivity into my life. to create the flow that keeps me moving on this journey. namaste.

i've been shopping. a lot. but after i fit into that first size 16 jeans, i became slightly addicted to the feeling i got when i looked at myself in the mirror. it was a funny joy. like for the first time i was really, truly happy about the way i looked. i think the shopping will subside for a minute because i plan on shedding some more pounds. i'm feeling really motivated right now.

though i have been shopping a bit much, i have also been working on tightening up my finances. with all of the extra hours i've been working, i should be caught up and maybe, just maybe- might even get ahead.

i think self improvement comes in layers. i am on the path to being happy with how i look, how my place looks and the way my finances are going. but there's more. i still don't really feel whole. i really need to stick strong to my meditation practice and also make sure that i keep writing. in addition, i think that (after long resisting the idea), i am going to start seeing a therapist. but i'm in search of something a little more alternative with a spiritual edge to it. i need holistic self improvement.

as i'm sitting here on the patio, listening to some soothing music and enjoying the crisp fall breeze, i'm feeling a momentary calm. i know that the path to wholeness and being truly, fully, wholey(is that a word?), happy will be a long one, but it is one that i feel equipped to embark upon.

i hate it because sometimes i miss him. A LOT. i definitely know that i am better off without him, it wasn't meant to be, i'll find somebody who really loves me.... all that shit. i know it. but sometimes i still feel that little pain in my heart.like today, when i was watching vh1 soul, a bobby brown video came on. bb doesn't usually make me sad, but when i heard it, it reminded me of the night that we all went out and did karoke and he sang bobby. that was one of the funnest nights. as much as he might have played me, nights like that were real. and the nights where we went to the lake at 3am and fed the ducks. and nights when we stayed up all night cooking and listening to old soul music. that was all real. and the pain still is too.

"The mobilization of the masses, when it arises out of the war of liberation, introduces into each man's consciousness the ideas of a common cause, of a national destiny, and of a collective history."- Frantz Fanon

I agree with much of what Fanon has to say, however, I wonder if his exculsion of women in this statement is deliberate. The quote is a heading from a chapter in Revolutionary Suicide by Huey P. Newton. And makes me think about how much of the mainstream literature on revolution or revolutionaries includes, as part of its definition, men only and is generally typified by so-called masculine traits. Is it not possible for women to start a revolution? Can feminine qualities not be the grounds for a revolution? Perhaps that is exactly what we need, a revolution of values where hope, love and compassion are the tools for empowerment instead of anger and violence. Just a thought....

P.S.- This is in no way meant to diminish the importance of the work of Fanon, Newton or The Black Panther Party in general. I have much respect for the work that they have done. Also, I think that would welcome critical analysis of their work.

this is just a quick note to let my friends know that if i seem distant, it is not because i love you any less. i've had a lot on my mind and i've been trying to take care of business. i've been working hard to be the best heather i can possibly be and i'm gonna be on this grind for a while. i'm enjoying my time by myself and need time to reflect and do me. and it's partially because of my amazing friends that i've been able to get to this much needed point. love you :)

so in this week that i have been off work, i've done a lot of thinking. i haven't necessarily come to too many conclusions, but i'm ok with that. and i think that in and of itself is a sign of growth. i have to say that, though i have always known it, lately i have gotten a renewed sense of being in love with myself, lol. on a serious tip, i've been reminded that i do have a lot to offer the world (and any individual that i interact with) and i should not sell myself short by being with someone who does not appreciate all the wonder that is heatherette. in thinking about things, i have realized that by selling myself short, i am also selling the world short. i have a lot of passion and potential. i am not on this earth to do small things. when i am with someone who does not appreciate and respect that,then i am denying the world the gift of me. and i can't continue to do that. this applies not only to romantic relationships, but also to friendships and (unfortuantely) family members.

in addition, i have also realized that as much as i do love myself, i am a person who craves companionship. and that's ok. it is human and natural to want to love and be loved. and i need to stop making myself feel guilty for wanting that. the universe will bring me to the person who is meant to be my companion, the ying to my yang, the force when we're together. the person who loves, appreciates and respects me as much as i do.

so here i go with the blog again. it's been a long minute since i have written, but i think now is the perfect time to get back to it. just moved into the new place a few days ago and i am loving it. it's coming togethere nicely. it will be a while before it's exactly how i want it to be, but the energy from it is already making me feel so good. it is already beginning to feel like home. much more than the other place already did. noot sure if it's the coming of fall (my absolute favorite season) or the new place, or a combination of the two, but i feel such positive energy in the air. really loving life right now. here's hopin' i can keep up with the blog this time around...

I can feel a shift in my energy and I really, really like it.

there will be no more waxing poetic about this.

i really think i can make this work. i really, really hope that i can. but i'm gonna need your help.

i just turned in my last two papers for the social justice program. it is absolutely crazy to me that this is already over. i am so sad. and happy. and scared. i have no idea where my life is going or what i will be doing next and that scares me shitless.

ok, on another note, today is the day where i start my transformation. i am officially done drinking pop and eating junk food (excessive amounts anyways, we all know i would probably perish if i could never again consume ice cream). i am commiting to exercise at least five days a week. i am going to work on me. but not only just the outside. i am going to make a conscious effort to meditate more often and work on renewing my soul. i am going to focus on me and what i want to do with my life, how i want to live. though i am feeling good about it, i know it's going to take time and some support. so here's where you come in, i'm gonna need my friend :)

thanks. you made my day :)

Standing outside your car. The stars. The music. There was something in the air (or maybe just my heart). I wanted nothing more than to kiss you.

so definitely did not get up early today, slept till 1030. probably not going to get much done. rest is needed though. excited for my weekend off. dia. mexican food. movie date. it's cold.not getting out of the blankets. thinking up haikus in my head.

i do not know why i do this to myself... blaaah.

i am so tired from working that mandate last night. hoping i can get up early enough to get some shit done before work. goals for tomorrow: return sweater to the gap, return shirt to target, western union to lynette.

going to bed with a lot on my mind. still feeling good though. good night.